the integrated learning center

it's real now. i'm actually in college. i think i waited too long or wished too hard for something that isn't real. don't get me wrong, college is incredible. never again will i live actually live with my parents, i'm on my own. and i love it. but im not sure if i love where i'm at. actually, i've made up my mind that i'm leaving. who know when? and who knows where?

i should definitely be doing something other than blogging write now, but i really can't help it. my english essay can wait. i need to record these feeling for anyone that listens, or cares (which, lets get real people, will be me. i can't wait to read this in about 10 years. what up future ryan? hope life's treating you well these days. always remember where you came from, but don't forget to look towards the future). anywayyyyyys. the university of arizona really is a beautiful place. there are palm trees galore, warm weather, and tons of beautiful people. "beauty is only skin deep" that probably couldn't be a more true phrase at the u of a. i feel like none of these people know what it means to be alive. they all just care too much. i've never seen people look in mirrors as much as they do here. it would be absolute craziness if all the mirror's disappeared for even one day here. mirrors are actually really bizarre. how can people care so much about what a simple piece of hanging glass?

okay, now i need to get off this blog. but dont worry [future ryan] i'll try and update soon.

ceramics.

no one reads my blog.

but I'm okay with that. 

i have so much to do this week. so...I sit down and work super hard and get tons done and feel really great, but then I realize that i have made NO dent in my "to do list'.

therefore i have resigned to blogging.  its the only thing i have any energy left for anymore.

and i decided today that one of my life dreams of being a potter is off the list. i am so far behind in ceramics. it is truly pathetic. i have sunk so low that i stole pots without names, and even dug in the trash. i actually found a decent pot today. hopefully he can't tell i didn't make it. i'm ashamed someone's trash is better than my actual work. and what kind of art teacher grades on ability? isn't it all about creativity and effort, not my ability to form squishy dirt into a ugly vase?

i'm telling him they're all abstract, and cannot be graded without thoughtful consideration and meditation. then maybe he'll take sympathy on me. but who knows? high school is almost over, and ceramics probably wont matter in the end. 

hopefully.

i think i'm going to go procrastinate doing something really important. i can't wait for the weekend. and for break. so i can do absolutely nothing for hours. it'll be great.

You Found Me

I found God on the corner of First in Amistad 
where the west was all but one. 
All alone, 
smoking his last cigarette, 
I said "where you been?" 
He said, "ask anything." 

Where were you 
when everything was falling apart? 
All my days, 
spent by the telephone. 
that never rang. 
All i needed was a call 
that never came. 
The corner of First and Amistad... 

Lost and insecure, 
You found me, you found me 
Lying on the floor, 
surrounded, surrounded. 
Why'd you have to wait? 
Where were you? Where were you? 
just a little late... 
You found me, you found me 

In the end, 
everyone ends up alone. 
Losing her, 
the only one who's ever known 
who i am, who im not, and who i wanna be. 
no way to know 
how long she will be next to me... 

Lost and insecure, 
You found me, you found me. 
Lying on the floor, 
surrounded, surrounded. 
why'd you have to wait? 
Where were you? Where were you? 
Just a little late, 
You found me, you found me. 

Early morning, 
city breaks. 
I've been calling 
for years and years and years and years. 
and you never left me no messages; 
never sent me no letters; 
you've got some kind of nerve 
taking all of our world. 

Lost and insecure, 
You found me, you found me 
Lying on the floor, 
Where were you? Where were you? 

Lost and insecure, 
You found me, you found me. 
lying on the floor, 
surrounded, surrounded. 
Why'd you have to wait? 
Were were you? Where were you? 
Just a little late, 
you found me, you found me. 

Why'd you have to wait, 
To find me? 
To find me? 

i want to become:

the worlds best friend

nicer

a traveler

caring

an expert cook

a connoisseur of all things trendy

a dog breeder

a DJ

famous

a NYC cosmopolitan

a beach bum

care-free

happy

an actor

wanted

a sight-seer

a life-save

an expert guitar player

a photographer

a helper

an author

an inspiration

a mystery

unique

a retired grandpa

selfless

relaxed

generous

a nomad

accomplished

better at writing in my journal

a professional

more creative

a role model

to be continued. i think of new things everyday. 

lahyf

"You have to believe that life is more than the sum of its parts, kiddo." I remember it right now to the "kiddo" part. But when I think about what she said, the same thing always comes into my head. What if you can't put the pieces together in the first place? "

United States of Leland

life [lahyvz]

–noun
1.
the condition that distinguishes organisms from inorganic objects and dead organisms, being manifested by growth through metabolism, reproduction, and the power of adaptation to environment through changes originating internally.
2.
the sum of the distinguishing phenomena of organisms, esp. metabolism, growth, reproduction, and adaptation to environment.

3.

the only thing we've got

We're born. We grow. We die. Its the circle of life. And when it comes down to it, the minimal 80-ish years on life, is all we have.

take it, don't waste it. and make something beautiful of it.

sometimes i feel like the 18 years I've had on life have been a waste. but really, i am here for a purpose, and maybe i don't know it yet. but i hope that all this time i may have wasted has really turned out to be preparation for something bigger.

no one can go back and change the past.

anyone can start now and make a new future.

my friends grandmother just died. life really does come fast. no one close to me has ever died. but my great grandmother did die the day after i played basketball with her. i didn't even know what to feel. i was only 10.

now, the death of my friends grandmother means more to me than i thought it would. her shot at life is over, but i know she used it well. life comes and goes so fast, and making it worthwhile isn't easy. I feel like if I just keep waiting, my time will come.

i want to leave a legacy. someday i will.